How I Used Exposure Therapy to Face My Fears As A First-Time Mom of a Newborn
Written by Dr. Kristen Roman
Most first-time parents will agree that bringing a newborn home from the hospital is incredibly exciting, but also terrifying. As new parents, we’re expected to keep a tiny human alive with very little instruction or training.
It’s not uncommon for new parents to lie awake those first few nights (or much longer) watching their baby sleep to make sure they’re still breathing. Becoming a mother for the first time taught me what my own fears were about parenting and revealed the situations that made me more on edge.
As a therapist who is passionate about exposure therapy, I realized I should practice what I preach and apply exposure techniques to some of my challenges.
Here are some of the areas in which I used exposures to overcome my fears:
Sleeping apart from the baby
If you didn’t already know, newborns are notoriously noisy sleepers. So the drive for a quieter night’s sleep motivated me to get the baby set up sleeping in his own room. There came a point in time when I logically knew my baby was ready for this, but I didn’t feel emotionally ready to do so. I started off the exposures by sleeping with both my bedroom door and the door to the baby’s room open, with the baby monitor volume turned up to high. At first, I was on alert throughout the night and didn’t get the best night’s sleep as a result. But over time, my anxiety about it decreased and I got used to the new setup. Once I got comfortable with this change and realized the baby was okay, I gradually started to lower the volume on the monitor. I eventually progressed to the exposure of closing the door to the baby’s room but leaving mine open, with the monitor volume turned off. (Those that live in NYC apartments know that you can still hear the baby!) That’s what’s working for us, and I’m grateful that we’re all sleeping well after this gradual exposure plan allowed us to get used to it. Gradually facing the situation I was afraid of allowed me to challenge my worry thoughts and learn everyone would be okay (and better rested!)
Leaving the baby home with someone else while running errands or having a date night
Again, I reached a point where I knew both my baby and I were ready in every practical sense, but emotionally, I still felt a lingering anxiety. So I started with leaving the baby home with a trusted family member who had been around my son a lot and knew his routine well. I started off with just a quick errand. At first, I did so while checking all of the parenting tracking apps to find out whether my son was sleeping and how much he was eating. If you’ve done exposure therapy before, you’ll probably recognize this as a safety behavior.
A safety behavior is an action we take to try and prevent harm from happening, but it interferes with us learning that things would likely still be okay even if we didn’t engage in the behavior.
Eventually, I forced myself to go out without relying on checking the apps as a crutch. Instead, I practiced sitting with the uncertainty of not fully knowing what was going on at home and trusting that things were likely fine even if I wasn’t aware of every detail. With time, I felt ready to tackle the exposure of leaving the baby home with non-family members, and for longer amounts of time. I used a similar process to get comfortable with having a nanny care for my son, including working up to the two of them leaving the house without me.
There’s currently another exposure hierarchy waiting for me just around the corner: starting solid foods. With fears of the baby choking or having an allergic reaction, I’m hopeful that the same type of gradual exposure approach will help me through it.
What are your new parent worries?
If you’ve encountered a parenting fear that you need support around, we’d love to help you. Postpartum anxiety can be a difficult and isolating experience, and we believe you shouldn’t have to suffer alone. Contact Us with any questions you have or Schedule Your Free Intro Call today.